i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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