Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
