you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize