she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
