It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
