she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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