sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
