I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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