Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
