Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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