And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
