I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
