You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Someone came in the potted fern
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
