We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
