i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
