My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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