I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
