At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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