Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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