First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
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