I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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