He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
