Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
