I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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