Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
