My first STD was from a foam party
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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