Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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