Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
