having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
