my phone needs a breathalizer
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
