She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
