Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
