where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
