I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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