At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
