Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
