found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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