Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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