the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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