My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Randomize
