If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My hand turned me down
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
