he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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