I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is Oprah even human
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I did not marry a roomba.
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