i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
