Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
