I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am naked and annoyed.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize