Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
