Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Found your dick twin last night
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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