I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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