and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
