Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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