I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
