just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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