It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
