not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
