My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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