I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize